Ahmad Speaks

By Chris & KC

I plopped down in the seat of the dimly-lit theater. It was pouring rain and there seemed to be nothing better to do than see a movie. Especially this one. This would be my ninth time to see "The 13th Warrior." I really love the character Antonio plays, Ahmad. But I enjoy many other parts of the movie too. I sat munching my popcorn as the seats around me were slowly filling up. It was a pretty good crowd, considering the drenching rain. I guess there is nothing better to do on a rainy day. I was alone this time, having run out of willing friends to drag along. I thought about Debi's "Exit Interview" story and smiled at the thought of meeting Antonio as I waited for the movie to start.

Ahh, the lights were dimming and the seemingly endless previews began to show. I tapped my foot impatiently, then finally the flash of the lightening and crack of thunder. Poor Ahmad's wet face, "I am Ahmed Ibn Fadhlan, Ibn al-Abbas, Ibn Rasid, Ibn Al-Hammad and things were not always thus…and by the way, I am not married." I sat up and looked to either side of me. There was no one close enough to me to have said that. Besides it was clearly Ahmad's voice. I must be imagining things, I thought. I have got to stop staying up so late.

Ahmad's journey began, and once again the camera focused on his beautiful face. "I am not married." I was looking at his face and I saw and heard the words come out of his mouth. He never said that before! "Yeah, I know I never said it before. I am talking to you, chica." I glanced around me. No one else seemed surprised at his words. He didn't say anything else to me, as he and the rest of the caravan raced away from the Tartars. I gulped a swallow of water as I watched the action. My mind was only thinking of the words apparently I alone had heard. This was really weird.

The movie continued, Ahmad and met the Vikings, "In the beginning… While Buliwyf takes care of his little problem, let me say again, I am not married. You got it all wrong. I am single. I don't have any wives, much less a harem. What did you think you were doing, writing about being married to me?" I am losing my mind, I thought. "Why do you think that?" I looked at his face before me on the screen. He watched with horror as the young woman was burned with her father. But there it was again. He said, "I asked you a question, chica. Why do you think you are losing your mind?"

Meanwhile, 3000 miles away

The Date: a beautiful, sunny afternoon (hey, this IS southern California, you know) The Place: the local semi-gigantic theater complex…no 70' screens, boo hoo The chica: me, seeing Ahmad for the 8th time (gotta catch up with Chris…)

The theater was pretty full considering it was a gorgeous day. Lots of people around me were commenting on the fact that friends or family had urged them to come see 13th Warrior, which made me very happy. As The trailers, which were getting awfully old by now, finished and the Touchstone logo moved across the screen, I grinned to myself over Debi's story…Antonio, in the theater, what an incredible thing that would be! Finally, the lightning flash across the screen, and his voice…"I am Ahmed Ibn Fadhlan, Ibn al-Abbas, Ibn Rasid, Ibn Al-Hammad and things were not always thus…and by the way, I am not married."

WHAT? I sat up straight in the seat, staring with greater intensity than usual at the screen…did I hear that right? Everything LOOKED normal. I was sure that I was the only one in the theater who had seen this so many times, so no one else would notice different dialogue. Nah, I'm imagining things, I thought. As the opening credits continued, I waited a little apprehensively…

OK, we're on the camel and on our way… "I am not married." OH my - there it was again! "Yeah, I know I never said it before. I am talking to you, chica." I glanced around again, and heard someone behind me crack a joke about the camels. No other reaction. All these intense discussions we've been having, picking apart every frame, it must be getting to me.

Ah, the funeral scene - the expressions on his face are priceless… "In the beginning… While Buliwyf takes care of his little problem, let me say again, I am not married. You got it all wrong. I am single. I don't have any wives, much less a harem. What did you think you were doing, writing about being married to me." OK, that tears it. I have gone crazy. "Why do you think that?" This was getting more bizarre by the minute, now he's watching the funeral pyre…"I asked you a question, chica. Why do you think you are losing your mind?"

"I AM losing my mind," I whispered. "Why are you talking to me? What is going on here?"

"It's quite simple, chica," he said. "YOU and your friends wrote about me, gave me all these wives, for heaven's sake. Whatever for? I have enough problems without wives to worry about. Haven't you been paying attention - these Bearheads are a little out of control for the next hour. And, man, what wives…bunch of women, always together, always plotting, saying they are worried about my welfare, sure they are. And the children! I may be a supremely proficient lover, but I would never have that many children!"

"It, it, well, we - oh this is nuts! It's FICTION, Ahmad, fiction. You should know, you are a fictional character. And why pick on me? Why not one of the others? JoAnn started it, you know…it was her idea."

"Ah, but am I a fictional character? Crichton and several others say I was real. As for JoAnn, she hasn't seen the movie enough, chica. And, it just so happens that I AM talking to one of your friends…"

It's gotta be Chris, I thought…it has to be …

"Well, what is she saying, Ahmad? I may call you Ahmad, yes?" I smiled to myself. If I'm going nuts, I may as well have some fun with it!

Somewhere in the rain

"Well, it's just that I am not used to characters on film talking to me personally." Wow, I really do need to go to the AB clinic for obsession, I thought.

"What clinic? What are you talking about?"

"Nothing. I am just a little… this is just a little weird. I usually don't have people onscreen speaking to me."

"I just couldn't let it go on, chica. I am not married. Never have been."

"Hey, I wasn't the only one…"

"Yes, I am explaining this to one of your friends too. She is just as surprised as you are."

I thought, oh, man KC, is this happening to you too? "But come on, we were only having some fun."

"Yeah, but what about me? Five wives??? I got run out of town for just looking wrong at one woman! No way would I have five wives."

The scene onscreen had changed to Ahmad's walk to the tent, right before the warriors volunteered. But instead of just staring at the ship with the boy, Ahmad continued to speak to me. I was squirming uncomfortably in my seat, until the man two seats down gave me a dirty look.

"No one else hears me. Don't worry. Just sit still and quit bothering people."

"Give me a break Ahmad! This is just hard to comprehend. I…"

"What is the problem? I am just trying to explain a few things to you. Now come into the tent. I have to meet my fate."

He didn't say anything else to me for a few minutes, and I began to relax, laughing at the disgust on his face as the Vikings "cleaned" up. The scene continued. Ok, I have to look at that ear again. It sure looks like something in there, but that is too…

"Talk about weird. Why are you staring at my ear? It is an ear! I have two of them like everyone else! Ohhh, the pearl thing. Why on earth would I put a pearl in my ear? You chicas are insane."

"You've got that right! And getting closer to the edge of no return all the time, it seems."

"If you would just listen to me, I am trying to explain it to you. No wives, no pearls. Ok?"

"Listen, Ahmad. Ok, no wives, no pearls, but what about…"

"Don't you ever quit! No more questions! Just listen to me!"

"Ok I'm sorry, but…"

"No-no-no-no-no! no buts! You listening?"

Back in California…

"No pearl?" I whispered. "Oh, damn, I was so hoping…"

"Will the two of you just cut it out with the pearl, already - it's a shadow - you said it yourself the other day!" Ahmad moaned. "Now, please, can we continue this discussion. Do you see the trouble I am about to get into here? I am NOT a warrior! You should have been thinking of ways to get me out of this, instead of marrying me off to FIVE different women!"

"But, we had no idea how the script would go before now, Ahmad! Honestly. You have to admit, it's not like the book. Plus, in the script I have it says you turned down the chance to be smuggled out of the camp in a rug. So, why didn't you?"

"Don't change the subject, chica," he sighed.

Fine, don't tell me," I shot back. "So, where was I, oh yes…well, um, oh shoot."

"What?"

"I am feeling a little more than a little ridiculous right now, Sir! I am talking to a character in a movie - this is like that Woody Allen film. All right, we all kind of fell in love with you. We fall in love with ALL of Antonio's characters - well, most of them anyway."

"Ah, I see," he murmured as I watched the 13 warriors on their journey. "This is a habit for you. I can understand that, this Antonio fellow is quite handsome. And a good actor, also. But, I just don't understand why you couldn't have had affairs. Do you realize the financial burden five separate families would put on me?"

"Ahmad, I'm not sure how to tell you this," I muttered. "It was FICTION. Not real, just like this, oh that's right, you may be real. Hey, you got really seasick, didn't you? Wow…Anyway, we just wanted to have some fun and Arab nobles have more than one spouse, correct? So, we ran with it. And, I've got to tell you, it was NOT one of my favorite stories. I prefer to have my men all to myself, thanks."

His voice lost some of its grumpiness. "Oh, you do? Well, that is different then. If you were…imagining…hmmm, this has possibilities."

"And, listen, we were thinking of another round of stories, where we all got killed off, so you could go on your merry way…is it OK if I just think all this? People are starting to look at me strangely," I whispered.

"Of course, chica, I can hear you perfectly - AND your friend, who is struggling with this just a little more than you are. You are talking about 'The Revenge of Ahmad Ibn Fahdlan'? Yes, I have heard of this. I think it is a good idea!" he stated. On the screen, the first battle was about to begin.

"Uh, Ahmad, do you think we could continue this when the movie is over? I really need to pay attention."

"No, chica, you can only hear me if you can see me - that's the way it works. So, what do you think of me? Of the story and the movie?" he asked.

"We have waited so long to see you! It's been pretty unbearable, you know, VERY tense at times," I replied. "So I think that we would have thought you were marvelous no matter WHAT the film turned out to be like. But, you know what? It's a great film. Now that I am sort of beyond staring at nothing but you for almost two hours, and can pay attention to the story a little, I really like it. The Vikings are terrific. And you? Oh, Ibn, you are wonderful - but you know that already."

North Carolina

"What do I think of the movie? Oh, I love it!! But…"

"But, what? I hesitate to ask…"

"There are so many little things, so many questions…"

"Ok, now wait a minute. How many times have you seen the movie? How many of these questions came from the first time??? Tell me, no wait a minute, I have to fight the Bearheads…"

"Hey, duck! Ouch! That Bearhead better watch out! There are many women who would do some nasty things to a Bearhead that injured you… Of course, you still look lovely with paprika and coffee scratches. Oh, sorry, I just got carried away."

I shrunk down in my seat when I realized that I was whispering aloud, and that my neighbors were staring at me.

"Just think it, chica. I can hear you."

"Thanks for telling me now. I hope those scratches hurt!"

"Wait, wait, wait. Don't be that way. And yes, they do hurt."

"I am sorry Ahmad, I just don't like making an ass of myself. Can I ask a question?"

"No. I understand that the other wives want to get killed off for a revenge story. And you don't like it?"

"That's right. I don't like it. I liked my character in the wives story. She was interesting and I don't want her to die. Besides, I don't want you to be Miguel."

"Miguel? Who is that? No, I don't really want to know."

"I am sure glad the Bearhead tossed you into the corner. Otherwise they might have taken your head too."

"It would have been a pretty short film if the title character lost his head in the first battle, now wouldn't it? Back to the question. You don't want to die. But all the rest of them would be willing to. Aren't you watching the film? You have to work together."

"Yeah, but if they all get killed off, I get you all to myself. I don't mind sharing if I have to, but let's face it, each one of us would rather have you all to ourselves."

"Stupid fools! What, no, not you, chica! That is the line in the movie, remember? Maybe we can work something out. You don't have to die, you just disappear, and I think you are dead. What do you think?"

"But you would still have a wife then, Ahmad. Isn't that the whole point of this movie visitation? To rid yourself of the burden of wives?"

"Achh. You are confusing me. I need to think about this. The Bearheads are coming back, and I need to be able to fight.

"You are confused? What about me? No, you are right. Fight the Bearheads. And watch out for the horsemen when they leave. Oh, never mind. I am sure you will make it through the battle."

California

As the movie progressed, so did the conversation.

"You know, your friend does not like the idea of killing off the wives," Ahmad commented as I watched the screen.

"Yeah, I know…understand, please, we have vivid imaginations. We'll figure something out, or we'll just ignore the first set of stories."

"Ah, yes - fiction," he laughed. "So, what do you think? Of the movie?"

"What do YOU think of everything they left out?" I countered. "There are some gaps that you could drive a semi through here, Ahmad."

"What is a semi? Gaps? Oh, I see. Yes, there was quite a bit of editing done. How do you know about this? Do you have a script or something?"

"As a matter of fact, I do," I laughed. "And we are very disappointed with some of the cuts. But, all in all, it's much better than I ever dreamed. Are you happy with it?"

"Happy…I do not like that word. I am…satisfied with this story."

"Well, so are we, believe me!" I said. "By the way, I love the sword trick - very classy."

I could feel his smile all around me. And that warm voice. And those eyes…

"Oh, geez, here we go again. How in the world did you cope with all these Bearheads, Ahmad? And the claws - weren't you scared?"

"No, chica, I was not. They were made of something called…give me a minute…plastic, that is what it is," he replied. "No one would have gotten hurt."

"Oh, OK, I had heard something about that. You ride a horse very well."

"Certainly I do! I have been riding since before I could walk! But you cannot change the subject. What would you alter about this movie if you had the chance?" he asked.

"Umm…well, I would make it longer for one thing. And I would definitely expand the love story line with Olga."

"Even though you have saddled me with these five wives?" he teased. "I, too would have liked to have seen that…"

"The 'learning the language' vignette was a little weak, Ahmad. I realize you didn't have much time to convey the purpose of all that…OH! " I felt as if someone was pushing me back in my seat.

"Hold that thought, chica - we have some important work coming up here."

I watched, still fascinated after all these viewings, as the scene in the Wendol cave unfolded. "Is that you doing all those stunts?" I murmured, not expecting an answer.

"Most of them, chica. Now hush, I have to concentrate here…we'll talk more in a minute."

But the movie is almost over, I thought…

North Carolina

"Now, about the movie. You have questions, but what do you think of it?"

"I really like it, Ahmad. I just wish we had gotten to know you better. You and the Northmen. We are still not even sure what names go with which man! We have figured out most of them, but…"

"Don't you have a script, too?"

"Yes, but it isn't the same! Look at the names of the survivors. Weath gets knocked off in the script, but he is one of the ones who lives. Ooops, I guess I shouldn't tell you what happens…"

"I have been doing this at least four times a day since August 27. You don't think I know what is going to happen by now?"

"I don't know. How am I supposed to know that? I'm sorry, I don't have a lot of experience talking with characters in a film. If you know what is going to happen, why…"

"Wait. Gotta swim…"

I watched the screen as the warriors made their escape from the Wendol cave. In a flash, they were back in the king's hall, and Ahmad began speaking to me again.

"I understand your confusion, chica. But some of the things you ask, are they really important to the story? It might not be how you would have done it, but you don't need all that information to understand it, do you?"

"No, I don't guess so, but Ahmad, why didn't they let you have more of a relationship with Olga?"

"There was more, and I, too, am sorry that it was lost."

"Aha! See, you do like to have relationships with women! Why not have five wives?"

"Don't shout. Haven't we been through this before? Look, I can't even keep one relationship going. You have to let the wife go. Please, chica?"

Those brown eyes were more than I could take. "Oh all right. Invalidate the marriage, but don't kill Christine. Maybe she will run off with Weath or something. They can have little red-headed children who wear plaids."

"Now, wait a minute. You can't…"

"I can't? You're the one who doesn't want her. Why can't she run off with one of the Vikings?"

"But,… oh wait, these damnable Bearheads are coming back and now it is going to rain."

"Oh yeah a likely excuse,' I mentally mumbled to myself…

California

"Chica, your friend is asking much better questions than you are," Ahmad murmured in my ear. On the screen, the Vikings and the Arab were swimming for their lives, and I studied the screen closely, trying to figure out for once and for all who was Ahmad and who was a stunt double.

"Well, of course she is - she's had the chance to see it several more times than I have," I retorted. "And anyway…" my voice trailed off just in time to prevent me from really sticking my foot in it.

"Anyway what?" he asked.

"Oh, NO, you are not going to get me all embarrassed again," I whispered. The man seated in front of me turned and glared.

"Stop talking, just think…I can hear you…and you are embarrassing yourself from what I can see!"

"Ahmad, you're being a little - rude - don't you think?" I thought furiously. "And, what is it with this chica stuff - you're an Arab, remember?"

"Ah, yes, but I have been observing all of you and that is what you call yourselves, is it not?" he replied. "And do not dodge the question - what were you going to say?"

"Um…oh, all right. It's a little difficult to concentrate on the plot with you on the screen 95% of the time, Ahmad. Despite what I said before. You are so incredibly beautiful. Are you happy? I feel really foolish!"

"No, no, please do not feel foolish. I am very flattered, and honored," he smiled. "Oh, wait, final battle coming up - don't leave - we still have a few things to discuss!"

"Oh Ahmad - your prayer - it is beautiful!" I smiled, and heard a faint "thank you" float back from the screen.

As I watched the final scenes of the film unfold, I began to feel sad, much sadder than I normally did at the end. This was such a wonderful, freaky thing - actually speaking to Ahmad! I resolved to stop wasting the opportunity. I wondered what Chris was saying to him…we would have to get together and compare notes, and soon.

People were leaving the theater, and I felt dumb sitting there, staring at nothing. Suddenly, the seat next to me folded down! I jumped, and then whispered, "Ahmad? Is that you?"

"Yes, it's me. I must tell you, I am exhausted. I know none of you want this to leave the theater, but I honestly am looking forward to it!"

"We aren't - believe me, we aren't," I said, glancing to my left and seeing…nothing. "This is so strange. Why did you pick us?"

"There have been others," he answered. "They just think no one will believe them if they mention the experience."

"Ohhh, well - who? Never mind, I know you won't tell me." I hesitated for a second. "Ahmad, I truly did not expect to love this movie as much as I do. You are truly wonderful - a gentleman, and the grace with which you grew…it has been a great experience for for me, for all of us, and I am sorry that it wasn't edited better, and it also wasn't promoted better. You must be disappointed."

"I AM, I am. All this work. I hope the video sales make up for it, but I do not know. And I have a message for you to give to everyone else, please."

"Of course," I breathed. "Anything, just tell me!"

"Please tell all the chicas that I truly appreciate their support, and I am glad that this film pleased them, or most of them. I have enjoyed watching all of you watch me." I could suddenly feel the air stirring around me, as if someone was whispering in my ear.

"I…I will," I stammered slightly. I could FEEL him next to me now. "This has been the most incredible afternoon. Do you have to leave?"

"Yes, unfortunately, chica, I do," he replied. I turned my head again and could almost see…a handsome face with dark eyes, watching me. "Thank you again - you are all wonderful, and I hope this Antonio person realizes what treasures he has in you."

"Thank you Ahmad…" I felt something brush my cheek - a hand? And then, another touch - a gentle kiss on my mouth. "Goodbye, chica."

"WAIT!" I said out loud. "Will you come back when we buy the video?" No answer, just a faint laugh, and then nothing. I sat there, not moving, trying to remember everything.

"Miss? MISS? Are you all right? We need to clean up now. Do you need some assistance?" I looked up at the young attendant, and smiled.

"I'm fine, thank you, just fine. I want to compliment you - this has been the best movie experience I've ever had!" I heard him say "Whaaaah?" as I walked up the aisle and into the lobby. How soon can I get home? I HAVE to call Chris.

Goodbye, Ahmad. It was wonderful!

North Carolina

Ahmad seemed particularly busy, and stopped talking to me for a few minutes. Oh, man, KC, are you seeing what I am seeing? Hearing what I am hearing? This was the BEST movie I would ever see. Nothing could ever top this. As I slowly tuned back into what was happening on the screen, I realized the movie was almost over. I don't want this to end! But I watched the little quiver of Ahmad's lip as he spoke to Buliwyf about "drawing" his story. So sad…

"That's what I like, Ahmad. You are… you are such a noble man by this point in the film. A man grown stronger by facing your fears. Beyond only asking God to spare your life, to asking Him to make you strong enough to face your possible death. That's what I love about this movie. Besides how, completely gor… oh, never mind."

"What, chica? What were you going to say? You think I am noble, but what else?"

"Ohhhhh, you are just so unbelievably gorgeous! Ok, are you happy, I am turning so red!"

"You're in the dark, chica. No one can see you. Don't be embarrassed. I am very flattered."

"I still get a lump in my throat at your prayer, and then the Vikings prayer afterwards. So moving. So, oh, I don't know, I just love the whole thing. I would have enjoyed it even if Antonio wasn't in it, but now I cannot imagine who else could… Ahmad?"

I suddenly felt as if he couldn't hear me anymore. I wanted to say how I liked his farewell to Herger. I wanted to tell him that I loved this character so much… Then I felt something brush against my leg, and a presence was sitting in the seat next to me. It felt as if a robe (?) was resting against my shoulder. I was afraid to move, and then I felt a gentle hand on my knee. I couldn't see anything, but he was there.

"Ahmad…" I whispered.

I could feel his breath in my ear as I heard him. "Shhhhh." I felt a hand against my face, stroking my face with a gentle caress as it slipped around my head and guided my lips until they met his. A warm flush invaded my body as his moist lips pressed against mine. It was only for an instant, but I was unable to move. Then I could feel his breath in my ear.

"Chica, tell your friends that their devotion and support means so much to me. I am so happy you enjoyed my story. And if I were going to have five wives…"

Then he was gone. I sat staring at the screen, unaware that the credits were rolling, that everyone else in the theater had left. I didn't even notice that the lights had come on. I sat there feeling the warmth his lips had left on mine. I jumped when I heard the clatter of the theater employees entering to clean up. I leaped up and dashed toward the exit. I stumbled out into the parking lot, but I barely noticed the pouring rain as I looked for my truck.

The phone was ringing when I walked into the house. I dashed to pick it up.

"Hello?"

"Chris, tell me you just got back from the movie!" It was KC.

"KC, he talked to you? He kissed you?"

"Yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss"