by Antonio [submitted on April 1st]

Can you imagine that the "famous Spanish actor Antonio Banderas" would go to have lunch with his fans?

"Why the heck would he need to do this?" you may ask.

Well... maybe he just wanted to meet the group of his fans which has been described as the wonderful, amazing, creative, funny, etc. community aka Antonio Chicas... "No way!" a skeptic would say.
I hardly believe it myself, but... I'm here - at the Chica Convention. Well, not actually... let's say I'm near the Chica Convention.

I'm sitting at a neighboring table... in a gray wig, mustache and glasses portraying an old idiot who couldn't find another place to read the newspaper. In addition, a big ornamental tree between our tables completely hides me from their glances. Don't ask! I have some reasons to camouflage myself...

You're interested in knowing if all those rapturous epithets that have been bestowed upon them are justified? Oh, yes, they are! Without any doubt. I'm very proud in having such brilliant fans. So, I'm thinking at the moment maybe I shall take off my mask and join them. It'll be fun, I guess. Why not?! hmmm... let us assume this fact becomes known... why, actually, can't Antonio Banderas have lunch with his fans... what's wrong...

A loud laugh interrupts my reflections. I listen to the Chicas' chat. They are talking about the Kiss Book. Oh, yes, Kiss Book... I forgot...

What?!... Ah, you are really thinking about it!... Are you crazy?!... I know nobody has ever been eaten by fans... but they are females who have written THEEEESE stories!!!... Ah, they're just stories! Well, well... no, I understand... I understand perfectly!...

No, I'd better not take off my mask...

I glance at my watch.

And, generally speaking, I should go right now... will I be on time for my flight?
The photos I brought I'll send with a messenger as I planned before. [big-hearted Spanish actor Antonio Banderas brought a bundle of autographed photos to please his fans] I get up from the table and make for the exit.

Alarm! A Chica is in the hall! Damn, I hadn't noticed that she went out. What the heck is she doing near the exit? I quickly turn into the men's room.

I hope, she's already left. I'm looking at myself in the mirror. Could she really recognize me? Come on, Banderas, don't be a paranoid. Go!

The Chica is still walking around. "Excuse me," she calls out to me.

Well, what will we hear next - you're not by any chance Antonio? And I'll reply, " Hahaha everyone says I look like him... blah blah blah."

"Got a light?" the Chica waves a cigarette.

Hmmm... I'm clapping my pockets looking for lighter. The Chica is coming close. I FEEL her inquiring glance. My inner voice tells me, "Go out!"
I'm about to say, "Sorry, I don't smoke any more... just quit recently... [five minutes ego]."

"Your mustache peeled off!" she says suddenly.

Mechanically I clutch at my mustache... everything is OK there - mustache is still firmly in place.

"Just checking you out," the Chica is smiling a little spitefully. "May I ask you something?"

"Why are you so gray? Hope nothing terrible happened to you?!" she asks, making a "frightened" face.

What does this mean? It seems she really...My inner voice says, "Get your ass out of here! Now!"
I'm mumbling, "Sorry, I'd be happy to talk to you, but I have to go.."

"Where? To the Chica Convention, probably?" the Chica asks smiling.

"Run!" my inner voice screams.

"Aren't you that actor... what is his name?.. well, who played in the film... what is the title?... ah, yes! Mascara of the Fox!"

I can't keep myself from laughing. The Chica is laughing too.

OK, I have a couple of minutes to chat and I give up, "Yes, it's me... can I help you?"

"What do you mean?" the Chica clowns about.

"Well..."

"Ah, yes, I wanted to ask you... what was I going to ask?.. aha! boxers or briefs?" she gazes at me questioningly.

"Excuse me?"

"Oh, never mind... don't pay any attention... I'm just agitated... forgot everything I was going to ask," she makes an upset face.

I glance at my watch. Need to give photos to her and leave. Why doesn't she ask for my autograph? Hmmm... agitated? Shall I ask her, "Would you like to get my autograph, girl?" I'm smiling. The Chica is gazing at me.

OK, I'm trying to lead her to the autograph idea with, "Maybe you want me to do something for you?"

The Chica opens her eyes wide and lowers her voice, "You mean - go to a secluded spot and merge in ecstasy?"

Uh Oh! No way! She definitely should stop visiting the Kiss Book. I laugh.

"No?!" The Chica makes an "upset" face then continues, "Well, maybe we'll go in and fool the Chicas then? It'll be funny, I guess! I can say you're my uncle... or..."

Aha, she thinks I kinda decided to play with them. Alas, I have to disappoint you, sweetheart. "Sorry, I have to go..."

She looks at me mistrustfully. In order not to give her a chance to start whining like, 'No, you can't leave now...' I drag the photos out and give them to her. "Here, I've signed the photos for the Chicas... please, hand these to everyone. And, sure, this one is for you..." I smile.

"Wow! Cool!" she examines her "catch".

Perfect time to leg it. "Well, it was nice to meet you. Bye!" I'm starting to slowly step back to the exit.

The chica looks at me... then at the exit... then she glances back at the restaurant... I almost hear the clicking inside her head. The result of the calculation is written all over her face - she's going to let the chicas catch sight of "their man" alive. Chica solidarity, of course, she just can't act any other way.

I imagine the hullabaloo which the Chicas will make on the street outside. I guess the local scribblers will not miss such a "sensation". You can just imagine the colorful details they'll add to sell the story.
"Spanish Heartthrob and his female fans arranged a wild orgy in a provincial motel..." I need to stop her...

Suddenly I realize that I missed what the Chica has just said. She waves her hand and goes back to the restaurant. Damn!

"Hey, wait a second!"

The Chica turns around. A fan's intoxication is sparkling in her eyes - she's on the way to complete her "task". How can I stop her?
"Look...," I'm trying to think up suitable words... The Chica looks at me as if I'm a conjurer who'll drag out a rabbit from his sleeve just now.

I don't know what to say... all the more because I have no time for conversation...Well, how did she say it? Ah, "merge in ecstasy"... Wanna test paralyzing Kiss - formidable weapon of Spanish Heartthrob? [according to Kiss Book chica must faint after this... or, at least, lose ability to move/speak for a while] OK, here you are... just need to act suddenly.

I grab her and drag her behind a tree [how nice they have these trees everywhere]. There I deeply breathe in and perform passionate Latin Lover's Kiss. As it's expected with deep penetration of vibrating tongue in mouth's cavity of partner... with rumpling of breasts and other parts of her body. Then I abruptly leave her and quickly go to the exit.

I'm not sure how much "paralyzing" effect took place... In any case, she's still standing behind the tree when I open the door.

A couple of passers-by surprisingly look at the "old man" who is easily running along the street [oh man! how does he manage to be in such great form?!]. I jump into the car, slam the door and glance at the entrance. No chicas. I take a breath. "Good work, Banderas!" I'm laughing and start the engine.

Need to check their board... It's still interesting what happened there... Hope chica didn't have a heart attack! Giggling...

P.S. Need to find another camouflage...