Dear Diary

By Nancy

Thursday, August 12th: It has been weeks since my last audition and I am beginning to wonder how much longer it will be until I hear from my agent. The industry seems to be experiencing one of those typical summer dry spells.

Friday, August 13th: Finally, a phone call! 8:00 am Monday, I am to be at a small studio on La Cienega Blvd for a cold read The director has seen some of my commercial work and thinks I have the right look for their upcoming project.

Monday, August 16th: I arrived early, my heart pounding as I was escorted to a sitting room and handed the usual forms to complete. As expected, I wasn't the only one vying for a part. It seemed as if hours had passed before they finally came for me. As I was being led to a chair on the sound stage, my eyes strained to see through the darkened room hoping to get a glance at the director and others who would be determining my future with this film. Everyone seemed to be in shadows and the bright lights on the stage made it impossible to see. All I could hear was one voice asking me to read the part of Catherine from the top of page 31. One very distinct male voice, with an accent. For a moment, I was slightly distracted by this voice and nearly forgot what I was there to do. I began to read. The script was intriguing and the character of Catherine was so complex. I know I can do this. I want to do this!

I heard him rise from his seat and walk toward the stage. "On page 67, please read Catherine after Miguel enters. I will read Miguel. Go ahead, begin." With that last word, I saw the voice walk from the shadows onto the stage. Oh my God! The director is Antonio Banderas! Those eyes! This is absolutely the most attractive man I have ever seen! How was I going to get through this without blowing it. By now, I was silently screaming at myself. FOCUS! YOU CAN DO THIS!

Catherine is in love with Miguel, but he doesn't know it until this scene. He has been too involved with his family and their problems to even notice her and now she's prepared to move on with her life and try to end the heartache of being near him, but not with him.

"Thank you." he said. "We will be making decisions soon for call backs." Oh please God, let me have this part!

Friday, August 20th: Forever came and went. No calls. My agent is getting sick of hearing from me. I am certain her next words will be the infamous "Don't call us, we'll call you."

Monday, August 23rd: The phone rang this morning. At last, the call I was waiting for, I got the part!!!

Monday, September 13th: We started shooting today, two weeks after the script arrived. I was so eager to meet the other cast members, but mostly, the actor playing Miguel. My greatest fear and wildest dream were realized at the same time. The role of Miguel would be played by Antonio. I don't want to let him down.

Wednesday, October 20th: I can't believe this is going so well. Antonio is so patient and generous as an actor and a director. I think I heard one of the crew say we are ahead of schedule. It's not easy being so close to him day after day and not getting distracted. On more than one occasion, I've found myself unable to take my eyes off of him and was actually staring. One of the other actors caught me in one of my stuperous gazes, "You're in love with him, aren't you?" Am I? I was so shocked at his observation, I could only respond with "Everybody's in love with Antonio", struggling desperately to cover my embarrassment. I don't think he bought it.

Tuesday, October 26th: They are going to be shooting the love scene soon. Yesterday, Catherine and Miguel embraced while she consoled him. I almost needed to be resuscitated after that. God, he smells good; that kind of warm, earthy, masculine smell that some men have. I'm beginning to have trouble turning Catherine off and me back on. I'm worried about the love scene.

Friday, October 29th: Antonio asked me if I wanted to rehearse the love scene. What was I going to say?

"Certainly."

"Have you done a love scene before?" he asked.

"Nothing like you have," I thought. "No," I replied.

Antonio went on to describe the scene simply. "Miguel kisses Catherine and touches her intimately."

"How 'intimately'?" I asked.

"He touches her breasts." He paused, as if waiting for a reaction from me. "Can you do this?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

We began the scene. Miguel has realized he's in love with Catherine and has gone to bring her back. When he finds her, he tells her he's in love with her and starts to wipe her tears from her cheeks, gently brushing her hair from her face. He takes her face in his hands and softly kisses her forehead, eyes, cheek then firmly on the lips.

I was beginning to lose myself in Catherine. Catherine is in love with Miguel, or am I in love with Antonio? I could no longer tell where one began and the other ended. As Antonio held me in his arms, his hand slowly moved down my body to the small of my back. I could feel his breath on my neck and I couldn't breathe. I pushed him away.

"What's wrong?", he asked.

"I need a break. Can we try this again later?" My heart was pounding and my head was throbbing. I have got to get over this! I am a professional actress, behaving unprofessionally. I have never had this happen before and I need to figure out what to do about it Then it came to me. If I just let myself go, he won't know I'm not acting, in fact, I could end up getting the Academy Award for not acting. This time, maybe we could rehearse on my terms. Perfect place, perfect time. Maybe dinner before rehearsal. Hmmmm.

"Antonio, could we rehearse the love scene this evening?", I asked. "Maybe after dinner and a glass of wine? I think I need to be a little more relaxed to do this."

"Okay. We could have dinner together, then rehearse."

Dinner was wonderful. Antonio is so incredibly charming and has such a terrific sense of humor. I hope I don't get the giggles during the love scene rehearsal now. Great! Something else to worry about. One more glass of red wine ought to help. Antonio had a couple glasses of wine too. I wonder how much this is going to help his rehearsing. Hmmm.

We decided to go to my house. After all, he was going to have to bring me home anyway. Killing two birds with one stone, so to speak. I'm beginning to think that last glass of wine was a mistake. I am not the least bit nervous now. We started from the top. Miguel/Antonio knocked on the apartment door and the scene began.

As the dialog continued, Antonio brushed my hair from my face, and kissed my tear-filled eyes. Then he stopped for a moment as if deep in thought and said, "Let's start over." Which we did. This time, he hesitated after kissing my cheek and gazed deep into my eyes. I could sense that something had changed by the way he looked at me. It was then that he kissed my mouth so passionately, all my defenses came down. As he held me, I could feel the warmth of his body pressed against me and hear him breathing heavily. His hands caressed me as if his fingertips were recording every inch of my body. I was no longer in control and found myself surrendering to him completely. I then knew that this scene, would never be filmed the way we were rehearsing it.