Love

By Maryann

I had waited for years to travel to Europe, and there always seemed to be something that was working against me. I'm 55 yrs old, have worked hard all my life, raised my family alone, and now find myself alone. Funny, but as I reflect, I realize I have always been alone.

Something has pulled me across the seas, like the siren that calls to the sailors for safekeeping. I wonder what I will discover?

As I left my country for the sunny seaside resort area of Marbella, I eagerly anticipated meeting the beautiful men of Spain. I have always loved the exotic, and felt that this trip would bring peace to my feverish soul and body. And, there was something else. Something was calling me. Could this be why the air itself was so invigorating? My heart began to beat a little faster as my feet touched the rich soil of Spain.

I rented a pension in Marbella, which my travel agent assured me is just the place to get the 'feel' for the romantic European flair. When I arrived at Casa Del Sol, I was unexpectedly surprised by the simple beauty of my quarters. The sea was only about one-quarter mile from my rear patio, and just before sunset, when the earth calms itself down from the busy day, you could hear the roar of the sea.

Oh yes, the sea...surely this will heal the "quiet burning" that is with me still. What am I seeking? What do I need to touch in this place? What will touch me? So many things to think of, and I have six weeks to spoil and pamper myself with these thoughts. So, I leisurely unpacked, wandered around my new "home", took a long, hot bath with scented oils, and candles, and opened a bottle of Spanish wine. Wonderful!!!!!! I stepped out onto the patio.

It was about midnight now and my first night in this wonderful place. I'd heard about the majestic mountains of this place, but for now, the sea was filling my soul and creating the most beautiful melodies in my ears. Tomorrow, yes, tomorrow is a new day, and I eagerly began to dream. Before I knew it, the sun was beginning to rise. Why, I had fallen asleep in the lounge and spent my first night in Spain, sleeping outdoors, and refreshed like I have not felt for years. Yes, this was going to be a wonderful sabbatical!

I dressed hurriedly, and couldn't wait to rent my motor scooter. Yes, I know I am in those beautiful midyears, but I'm renting a motor scooter! And going to love every moment of this new life. The boys are home safely, my friends all think I'm crazy anyway charging off like this for six weeks, alone, in Europe. So, well, I'll just act a little crazy.

After making arrangement with the local market for food to be delivered to my pension, and renting my motor scooter, I set off to places unknown. Just the sheer pleasure of the warm sun on my head, the wind in my loose blond hair, was physically exciting. I'm sure I frightened a few people as I maneuvered the bike poorly through the busy streets of Marbella, but within a short time, I was driving like a local. My heart kept a light beat, as my spirits were continuing to soar. I lunched at a little stand on the roadside, as an elderly man spoke with me about his country, his love for this beautiful place. The years were drawn on his face, and chiseled into it was many experienced passions. I could see this. He spoke proudly of his family, and sadly of his sorrows in life. Yet his eyes, oh yes, his eyes, were filled with a peace and joy that is not too often found. I liked him immediately. His name was Pedro, and he invited me to dinner within the next week. I gladly accepted, and drove merrily on my way.

"Howl at the stars, whisper while you're sleeping, I'll be there to hold you, I'll be there to stop all the chills and all the weeping". That song is playing through my mind as I fly over the landscape, back to my pension. Yes, I will "whistle down the wind" for the next six weeks. Night found me wonderfully exhausted, and I slept as a baby until sunrise the next day.

***

Five days passed, and I was wonderfully rested and tan. With all the exercise, travel, and forgetting to eat (as the beauty around me fed me), I had lost ten pounds and looked wonderful. I'm a nice looking woman, have beautiful blue eyes, and a smile (I'm told) that lights up a room. But beautiful, I am not. But today, I felt beautiful. I'm going to wear my new gauze dress, peach in color, that I purchased at a local market along the streets. It's warm, soft color and plunging neckline, looks terrific with my new tan. Yes, I look, well, almost beautiful! I'm going to dinner tonight at my new friend's home, and will meet his grandchildren. How open and warm these Spanish people are...well...it almost surreal. To be embraced in their warmth makes me feel as though I have come home.

Dinner with Pedro and his family was one huge celebration! Laughter, music, wine and scrumptious food were my companions. But the love and acceptance that they showered on me, was my greatest honor. We ate, we shared our life's stories, and I left feeling completely full...full of life. Yes, my God has certainly blessed me! And with this feeling of contentment, I hopped on my scooter and drove home.

The night was something out of a fairy tale. The moon was full, and high in the skies. Stars were ubiquitous and so studded the skies that one didn't need lights on their vehicles if you were so inclined. I wanted to walk a little so I made a turn in the opposite direction of my pension, and headed toward the coastline and yes, my home, the sea. I will walk awhile and talk to my God, and move with the waters, and feel the push and the pull of their great power. I was alive!!!!!!

As I parked my scooter, several people were strolling in the sand, doing what people do when the night is magic. I thrilled at the thought that perhaps, just perhaps, someone was falling in love tonight. "Hello young lovers, whoever you are, I hope your troubles are few". I sing songs all the time, in my heart, and that song was moving in my soul, as my feet and toes played in the sand. I kept walking further, with no end in mind, as if something were calling me. After a short while, the movement of my legs kept tugging me on, as if in a dream, and I willingly let myself be led. To what, I had no idea, but it was as if I were being beckoned.

***

The wind was playing with my hair. It felt so good. It had been years since I have had long hair, and again, I laughed at myself. My family and friends fear I am behaving crazy at this stage of my life. Losing weight, growing hair, getting tan and yes, younger...instead of older. But I know the secret of what has happened to me...what has happened within me...I was discovering that lost girl that never had the chance to live! To dance! To sing! To dream! And yes, to love! So as everyone around me grew older, I was growing younger. I not only looked it, I felt it!!!! And it was wonderful!

As I played tag with the moonlight, and danced between the skipping waves, I began to sing. Yes, the same song I always sing when I am at the sea...well, really two songs. I began with "How Great Thou Art", and swayed with my praise to my father in heaven, as surely, the oceans and seas are great, but not as great as He. Then, as I moved onward a bit, "Whistle Down the Wind" began to pour forth from lips, my chest, my voice, my very soul. And I stopped, and sang to no one…not a soul was in site.

The loneliness of the years, without someone to love, someone to love me, began to wash over me. And the song created from all these years, rang out and was carried away by the soft breezes...to eternity. I stood there in silence and tears washed over me from the emotion of my loneliness, and I remained so for a long time. I felt a hand on my shoulder.

I turned slowly, not in the least bit frightened. I had spent myself on my song, and only wanted to stay in the place that enveloped me. But as I gazed at the stranger whom touched me, I couldn't believe my eyes. Were they playing tricks on me? Had I lost my mind? The clouds had moved over the moon, and he was in shadows. Tall, lean, dark haired, and magnificent was he. I heard "Are you okay?" I could not answer him. I wanted to see his face in the light, before I dare speak a word. He removed his hand from my shoulder, perhaps sensing inappropriateness, and said "your song was beautiful. Whomever you were singing to, is a most fortunate man." It was Antonio.

*** The clouds had passed and there he was. I smiled. Dreams do come true! I simply could not believe it!

All I could manage was a great smile, and "Wow...yes, I am okay." And his voice had such a calming effect, I felt serene.

I said, "I think perhaps I know you, but let me introduce myself". "I am Maryann, a humble visitor to your homeland". Antonio smiled. "Did the skies just light up"? I asked.

He softly giggled. "Please, let me introduce myself properly". I am Antonio Banderas...so you know me?" I laughed

"Of course. I embarrassingly have to admit you have warmed my thoughts on many a night". I think he may have blushed, but I couldn't stop the honesty that was spilling out of me. And I wasn't embarrassed, nor was he.

He mumbled something about the splendid night, and hearing the most lovely song moving through the air, that he had to excuse himself for listening as he felt he was trespassing on a very private moment. I told him that it was okay, and perhaps, well, perhaps I was singing it to a 'special someone.'

"Lucky man", he said.

"Well, I'm not sure whom I was singing to, but it was a someone whom I hope, one day, I will find."

"It's nice to have dreams," he said, as he smiled. Then, "would you care to walk with me"? he asked.

"Oh yes, I would love to. May I be candid?" Let me rephrase that by saying I would really love to walk with you and share with you some of my feelings and dreams". I couldn't believe I said that to him. Thinking he was going to do a turnabout and run from this crazy lady, his reply astounded me.

"I would love that too," was his only reply.

And so, we walked, we talked, and we walked some more. With comfort and ease, we exchanged stories, and laughter, and some dreams too. He was in Marbella alone, his family back in the states. He was resting between filming, and was feeling a bit alone himself. We chatted as if we had known one another for years.

At one point, Antonio said, "I can't believe this is happening. My lifestyle does not lend to making many friends, for most people want something from me, or want to be seen with me, or always have one agenda or another. But I am so relaxed with you; I can't believe I am going on like this. I hope I am not boring you." I laughed, and said, "If you only knew". Antonio he looked at me as if he knew precisely what I might be thinking.

We were together thusly, for about two hours. The morning light was beginning to peak through, and a silence fell among us...I didn't want the evening to end, and was a bit embarrassed, as I did not know how to say goodbye. There was some silence between us, then he spoke again.

"I'm not sure how to say this Maryann, without being misunderstood, but this was lovely. Without any questions or explanations, do you think we could do this again?"

"Oh yes, I understand, Oh yes…"

***

I returned to the pension that night, as if walking on a cloud. What a wonderful man. He is humble...so childlike in his thinking...so intelligent...and so in touch with himself, and who he is, and who he is not. He is just a man, I thought, and a wonderful man at that! I hardly noticed his physical beauty as we walked tonight, and this very thought surprised me. I have been enamored by Antonio for several years now, and admired him in so many ways. And yes, I have lusted after him in so many ways. But tonight was different, it was just a man and a woman, walking, talking, sharing who they are with no excuses or apologies...no hopes or expectations...just sharing. And I loved it!

But as I was undressing for bed, I realized how aroused I was becoming...for now the thoughts about him, the thousand glances I stole at him...the sound of his voice still in my ears, and the touch of his hand every now and then on my arm, or back...was still felt. In fact, wherever he touched me tonight left a glowing warmth. His touch is firm, yet gentle. I definitely knew a man was touching me, yet it was not sexual, only warm and welcoming. So why did my skin burn where his hand caressed, if only for a moment? I remembered I reached for him several times, without thinking, as one does with a friend. He did not shy from the gesture, but, well, almost leaned into it. Yes, he is a warm, open man. Very rare in my experiences, very rare indeed.

After several hours of tossing and turning, I finally fell asleep. We had agreed to meet the next day, and I feared sleep would never visit me. But soon, I was released and fell deeply into a sound sleep, my last thought being "his hair looks so soft...if I could only touch it".

The next day held so much promise, I leapt out of bed. Feeling as a child must feel on Christmas morning, I rushed through my shower, wondering the whole time what I could wear. In the middle of all this activity, I stopped and laughed at myself. Who do I think I am? He could not, would not, possibly be attracted to me. Get over this Maryann! He just wants to talk. You know, celebs get lonely too; he said so himself. Just be his friend, and try to calm this stupid heart down. I dressed, quickly threw down some breakfast, said my prayers (praying that I would finally learn what it is to be a friend to a man), and jumped on my scooter for my destination. I, on purpose, did not wear too much makeup, and dressed casual and comfortable. We were taking a ride into the countryside, his beloved countryside.

I met Antonio by the marketplace, we selected his favorite Spanish foods and wine for our luncheon, and off we went. His bike was much larger, and I have to admit my hands trembled as they wrapped themselves around his waist, before he stepped on the throttle, and almost lost me at the first turn. He was laughing, with the wind in his hair, for he could feel my tension as I sat behind him, and held on for my dear life. The scent of him was filling my being, and I fought feverishly to control my thoughts, while holding on desperately, so as not to fall off the bike.

I finally screamed, and yelled to him, "Well, if this is how it is going to end, at least you should know, I have a smile on my face...please, tell my family that."

His laughter rang out over the wind, as he reached back to touch my thigh, and said "I will never let any harm come to you. Besides, I know I am carrying precious cargo." With this, we roared onto the highway off to his mountains.

We traveled the countryside, stopping when the view provided us with grandeur. Antonio is so proud of his country. And he entertained me all the way, with little stories of his childhood, his frustrations, and his dreams. God, could that man talk! It made me wonder if he ever has a chance to just be Antonio, but he had an avid listener and could have been reciting the telephone pages for all I knew. I couldn't get enough of his thoughts, and the pattern he was weaving, both with sincerity, and humor, and wisdom, was leading my heart down a path that was frightening. I was beginning a chapter of my life whose ending was unknown. But I was following wherever he was leading.

After a wonderful lunch, a little too much wine and sun, we lay on a mountaintop under the mid-day sun, in the shade of a magnificent tree. The air was warm, but a breeze kept the heat off of our bodies. As we talked, our voices grew quieter, and sleep was claiming its right to us. We slept, like children after play.

The chill in the mountain air woke us...gently. Antonio looked at me, as if he was a bit confused. Then realizing that we had fallen asleep, a big grin moved across his face. I'm sure I was blushing, which I am not prone to do, and I said, "Whoever would have thought I would awaken next to you".

We laughed, and he said, "dream on, my dear lady", teasingly.

We packed up our things, and silently started our journey home, back down the mountainside. The trip was calming, uneventful, and a bit sad. In my mind, I think we had approached a threshold neither of us wanted to enter. It was time to say goodbye. We had become quick friends. Actually, we more than friends and neither of us wanted to see what was around the bend. We traveled the road in silence, comfortable yet bittersweet.

As we neared my pension, Antonio took a left to the seaside. I did not question his choice. My will had already been claimed by this beautiful man.

He stopped the bike about two miles down the beach, got off, and reached out his hand to help me down. As I moved off the bike, I stepped into his waiting arms. We met, we touched, and we held each other for a long, silent moment. The sun was setting, the sounds of the sea were almost silent, and the only sound to my ears, was his heartbeat, as I lay my head on his chest. He whispered, "You are filling me with your scent...I cannot think".

Silence…I felt him tremble a little. I could not move...we stood as such for what seemed to be an endless time.... neither of us able to separate.... lost into our own thoughts, our own worlds. Yet our worlds were now touching, and we did not know what to do...we were lost.

***

I felt his hand pull me closer at the waist; he said, "I'm sorry. I'm out of line here, stop me if you want". I couldn't answer him. I let him pull myself into him a little more, and could feel the warmth of him...growing. Yes, his breathing got heavier, and my own grew more difficult with every attempt. As if pulled by another force, I lifted my face from his breast, and he leaned down to kiss me...hesitating...asking with his eyes for permission. Mine must have said yes, for suddenly his mouth was upon mine, devouring my lips, hands in my hair, on my chin, down my neck...powerful hands...demanding hands...then I heard a cry...deep from within him...and he moved his hands to my shoulders and urged me away from him.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. His voice was hoarse with passion. "I had to taste you, taste all the beautiful words you spoke to me today, and make them my own."

"Don't apologize, for I would have done the same had you not," I said. With these spoken words, his eyes, deep embers burning...bore into mine, and read my very soul. "Madre de Dios"! "We are in trouble," before his mouth possessed mine completely.

The next several hours were a blur. Another form of life was created that night. All hands, movements, clothes tearing, grunts, cries, sighs, a blended mixture of joy, despair, longing, and years of searching...all meshed into a crescendo. Antonio's life's urges and mine crashing like the waves now claiming the shores...washing away the past, leaving all things clean and new.

Our bodies lowered themselves onto the sand, and without embarrassment, or apologies, or explanations…we loved...we laughed…and yes, we cried…at our discovery…our needs. His body moved with mine, as if he had loved me since the beginning of time, so matched were we. I did not know where I began and he ended...we were one. In childlike innocence, our kisses adorned our bodies, our embraces celebrated our beauty, his eyes blessed my countenance, as mine adored his. There was only one of us lying on that beach, that night...a new creation...her name is "love".