By Susan J.

This Kiss Story is dedicated to some wonderful chicas by the names of KC, Janet, Deena, and Debi, who encouraged me the other night to write this, not only as a means of therapy but mostly as closure to a tragedy that happened a year ago. Thanks chicas, I truly appreciate your love and support. I LOVE YOU!

It had been a few years since the death of Andy Beckett, who was my dearest friend’s Miguel Alvarez’s lover. I helped Miguel through one of the darkest periods that a person could ever go through, little did I know that I would soon to go through the same pain as he did.

Miguel and I were the closest of friends. We went out together, we cooked together, we checked out the guys together, but mostly we enjoyed each others company. One evening Miguel and I were at my place having dinner with some friends when I got a frantic phone call from a friend. I kept telling her to calm down and tell me what was wrong. Miguel saw that something was wrong and he walked over to me.

"I’m on my way. Don’t worry everything will be all right," I said.

I hung up the phone and looked at Miguel.

"What’s wrong?" he asked.

I didn’t answer him I felt numb and my heart started pounding. He gently shook me.

"What’s wrong?" he asked.

"My sister was found lying on the floor in her house. She’s in the hospital. I have to go," I said.

I grabbed my purse and left, leaving Miguel with our guests. I arrived at the hospital a short time later. I asked the nurse about her but she gave me no answers. I started getting angry as I waited for some answers. Miguel walked in and saw me.

"I want to speak to the doctor." I said.

"You can’t right now, but he’ll be with you when he has time," the nurse said.

"No not when he has time, right now! If I don’t speak to him now I’m going to pull through that little hole in the glass partition that you’re speaking through!"

She looked at me and knew I wasn’t kidding. Miguel approached the glass.

"You better let her talk to the doctor or she will do exactly what she said. I’ve seen her do it and it’s not a pretty sight." he said

I was let in to where the doctor was and Miguel stayed behind. The door closed behind me.

"You wanted to see me?" said the doctor.

"Yes, I want to know how she is?"

"Well not too good. I don’t think she’ll make it."

"What!?" I said loudly.

"Exactly what you heard," he said.

"I want to see her."

"I don’t think it’s a good idea."

"Well I think it is. If you don’t let me in to see her………."

"All right."

I walked into the room and around the curtain that was around the area. She was still alert but in some slight pain. I walked over to her and she looked at me. She had tubes almost everywhere. I smiled at her. I stepped out of the room to gather my thoughts. I still felt in my heart that things would be okay. Miguel was waiting for me in the small area where I had spoken to the doctor.

"How is she?" Miguel asked.

"I really don’t know."

He put his arm around me and I put my head on his shoulder. I heard the staff talking and the doctor came out of the room and looked at me.

"We can’t get her heart going, but we’re working on it," he said

Both Miguel and I went to see her. Miguel stood behind as I got closer to her. The nurse was performing CPR on her. I held her hand, it was as cold as ice. I bent down to talk into her ear.

"What are you doing? You can’t leave me, it’s not time yet. You still have too much to do. Don’t quit on me now," I said.

My heart was pounding so hard I felt like it would jump out of my chest. Miguel took me by the shoulders and pulled me back. We walked out of the room. We waited in the hall for some news. The doctor came out, I looked at him hoping that he was going to say that she was stable and that she would be fine. The doctor looked at me and said two words

"She’s gone."

I looked at him and said five words.

"I want to see her."

The doctor knew by now not to argue with me and stepped aside. I walked in to the room once again. I moved closed to her looking at this once vibrant person who I had known all my life lying still and motionless. I leaned over and kissed her cheek. I swallowed a lump that had formed in my throat and I took a deep breath and let it out. I walked out of the room and into Miguel’s arms. For the next few days Miguel helped me arrange the services needed so that my parents wouldn’t have to worry. I tried to keep myself busy by doing little things and Miguel knew this.

My sweet Miguel stood by me in everything. I gave the eulogy at the services and when ever I needed that extra burst of strength all I had to do was look over at Miguel who would smile at me. As the weeks and months passed by I felt the anger start to build up inside of me, but I always managed to keep it under control. Miguel knew that I was a pot waiting to boil over and he knew he had to try and do something and fast.

I was at his apartment helping him arrange some shelves when I suddenly felt that I had to make a phone call.

"Miguel can I use your phone?" I asked.

"Sure. Who are you going to call?"

"I have to tell my sister some………"

We looked at each other.

"She’s not there anymore is she?" I said.

"No baby she’s not."

At that moment I felt like someone had ripped out my insides with their bare hands. I backed away from Miguel and ran out the door. I ran down the hallway to my apartment. I heard Miguel running after me.

"Wait! What’s wrong?" he yelled.

I opened the door but before it had a chance to close Miguel was inside with me. It was like watching another person. I paced back and forth like a caged lion and I started yelling at the top of my voice.

"Why?! How could this happen!?" I yelled.

Miguel ran over to me and tried to hold me but I pushed him away.

"Leave me alone Miguel! Just leave me alone!"

"Like hell I will! You’re in pain, please let me help you."

"No! How can you help? You don’t understand what I’m going through! You don’t know what it feels like!"

"Yes I do! Remember I lost someone I loved very deeply. It feel like someone took a knife and cut your heart out! I know what it’s like to have that person here with you one minute and the next they’re gone! So don’t tell me that I don’t know what it feels like because I do!"

I looked at him and dropped to my knees. I started crying so hard I thought I’d never be able to stop. Miguel knelt beside me and held me tightly. He helped me up and we walked over to the couch and sat down. As he held me I cried my heart out.

"Let it all out baby girl. Don’t hold anything back. I know it hurts now, but with time it will get better," he said

He kissed my forehead.

Oh Miguel, what’s wrong with me? I’m crying like an idiot."

"No you’re not. You didn’t give yourself a time to mourn. You felt that you have to be the strong one, the one everybody could lean on and they did. Now it’s your turn to let loose."

"I saw her just a few days before and we were talking and laughing and making plans to do something the following week and then all of a sudden she’s not there anymore. If I had only known I could have………"

"Could have done what? Prevented it from happening. No my sweet baby there is no way you could have prevented it from happening. You have to accept that it was her time and that she is now in a better place. A place where there are no problems, no worries and no pain. Just peace and contentment."

"I guess maybe you’re right. I have to let my mind accept the fact that she’s gone, but can my heart accept that fact?"

"With time it will. All you need is time. And as you were for me when Andy died, I will always be there for you. I promise."

"I love you Miguel. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me."

"Oh I love you too. And I agree with you, I am the best thing that ever happened to you."

We started laughing.

I guess it’s true, time does heal all wounds but time can never take away our memories of the loved one’s that we all have lost, weather they be relatives or friends the pain that we feel at the loss of them is the same.

I knew my sister for 38 years and she passed away at the young age of 47. She left behind two daughters and a grand-daughter and now I must step into my sister’s shoes and try to move them forward. I hope I do a good enough job so that she’d be proud of them when I’m done. All I ask of everyone who reads this story is to know that it came form a real experience and if you get the chance to tell someone you care about that you love them then do it, because you may never get another chance.

If I Had Only Known

If I had only known
It was the last walk in the rain
I’d keep you out for hours in the storm
I would hold your hand
Like a lifeline to my heart
Underneath the thunder we’d be warm
If I had only known
It was our last walk in the rain.

If I had only known
I’d never hear your voice again
I’d memorize each thing you ever said
And on those lonely nights
I could think of them once more
Keep your words alive inside my head
If I had only known
I’d never hear your voice again.

You were the treasure in my hand
You were the one who always stood beside me
So unaware I foolishly believed
That you would always be there
But then there came a day
And I turned my head and you slipped away.

If I had only known
It was my last night by your side
I’d pray a miracle would stop the dawn
And when you’d smile at me
I would look into your eyes
And make sure you know my love for you goes on and on
If I had only known
If I had only known
The love I would’ve shown
If I had only known.

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