Happy Endings

By Debel

According to "The Rules" there is nothing which specifically denies me the option in my "Custom Reality" package of being an inanimate object. So, that is what I have chosen to be in this scenario of my own choosing.......a typewriter. It's all thanks to the amazing makeup and prop departments at Banderas World. I'm Pedro Almodovar's typewriter. I'm the manual model he uses in "La Ley del Deseo". The one the director Pablo types all those love letters to himself on with such tragic consequences and then in a fit of despair and rage he punches my return lever for the final time with the working end of his crutch and then with remarkable strength and balancing ability he hurls me through the window to a fiery death. Dramatic, huh? I know it's melodramatic, but it IS Pedro Almodovar. And I do love pathos, but we're going to persuade the master to change the ending to his movie just a teensy bit.

Pedro's actually a very good typist. Good finger action for someone who's not known for their long, slender digits. But it's a sobering thought to view your hero from this perspective. I never actually thought of Pedro Almodovar as having nose hair before. But then again there's the Antonio Banderas chest hair that's within remarkably clear focus. He's just wearing his briefs today. They're shooting the scene where he sits down at the director's desk (in front of the typewriter....that's me) and discovers this love letter he thinks Pablo, the director and obsession of his life, has written to another young man, but we all know Pablo has written this letter to himself. Antonio's character becomes enraged after reading this tender missive and stands up........ohhhhh GREAT! I don't think I want to share any of the details with you right now. I want to savor the moment as a treasured memory, clutch it to my greedy little bosom and drool over it privately. Suffice it to say any memory of Pedro's nose hair is now wiped from my mind.

Shall I continue with describing all the long, arduous, grueling takes Pedro required Antonio to do for this scene? Must I tell you the number of times I saw him walk toward me in those remarkably seductive cotton/polyester blend briefs? Numbers are so boring. After all, when you've got Antonio Banderas walking toward you in a nearly naked, exposed flesh aplenty condition I can only count up to three, anyway. Let's just say that by the time Pedro got the take he wanted.......if I'd been an electric....I'd have been a lump of molten metal with just a few keypad covers sticking out like broken teeth in a mouthful of gums. As it was, my carriage roll did an excessive amount of spinning every time he walked away. I'm sure it far exceeded any amount they had tested it for at the factory.

But who can worry about warranty coverage when you've got a movie to re-write and re-write this one we MUST! Pablo will come to realize before it's too late that true love was right there under his nose all along and Antonio will get the man of his dreams and everyone will be happy and I won't end up a charcoal briquette. I've just not quite figured out yet how I'm going to accomplish it. Pedro Almodovar is a determined little devil on this set of his. Very serious. Very, very serious. Don't give him any backtalk and for heaven's sake never, never go up to him and tell him you've been thinking and have come up with a great idea on how to improve your next scene. Better than you have tried and they've left the room in tears.

I've noticed the guys in the crew scratch, tug, and pull at themselves a lot when they think no one's looking. I had never noticed that before. Being an inanimate object gives you loads of new perspective on the world. Antonio's been quite the gentleman, though. Very professional even though he's been wandering around practically naked all day amongst cast and crew. Very friendly but sort of walks around all focused and like he's in a trance of concentration. Pedro gets his attention, though. You can see it in his eyes. He's really listening to what Pedro's saying to him and Pedro's voice is like a hypnotic tool he uses to direct this orchestra of people around him. That voice just carries everybody along with it till he's got them where he wants them.

He's coming over here. He's sitting down. There's that nose hair again. He's obviously going to type something because he's putting in a sheet of very inexpensive paper. I can tell because its rough surface is not sliding properly along my paper guide. I guess Deseo Productions doesn't have a lot of money to spare for things like quality paper stock. There's those short, stubby little fingers again just pounding away. He's changing the script! Could it be?! Could it be he's doing it of his own volition?! Changing the script to a happy ending full of bright hope and promise! My mere presence has been the catalyst for this momentous occasion. I knew it! I knew coming as a typewriter was a good idea!

EEEEEEEYYYYYOOOOOWWWWW!!!! Pedro......you brute!!! Why do people refuse to release the paper guide properly, thus freeing it to slide gracefully and freely and painlessly into their waiting grasp, instead of yanking it forcefully from my innards with a viciousness and speed that borders on the maniacal? Don't answer. It was just a rhetorical question. Another of life's infinite mysteries left for us to ponder unanswered till the end of time itself.......or the end of the movie, by which time I will no longer be in any position to care about such things, having been flung into a blazing cinematic oblivion.

Why couldn't I have decided to go as the laptop Miquel used in Assassins! Damn! Missed opportunity there! He was naked in that one too.....and in a tub....and with the laptop teetering on the edge. It would have been suicide, but what a way to go.

I had no idea Pedro was dealing with such issues of repressed anger. Why do I love him so? Why do the ones we love always hurt us the most? I'm only trying to save him from himself and this compulsive need to bring his movie to such a ghastly end. There he goes. The maestro himself. The conquering Napoleon of the manual keyboard. He's reading what he just typed out and.........no, he's crumpling it into a wad and tossing it into the corner. We'll never know what he had planned for us.........for Antonio......on that page. He yanked it out too fast for me to read the final bit of it.

They're shutting down the set and turning out the lights. Everyone is saying goodbye. Antonio's the last to leave. It looks so odd to see him in his street clothes. Walking around naked all day he looked so....well, there was just such a lot of him and all of it beautiful and now with his clothes on he looks smaller. Pedro's giving him a hug and kissing him on the cheek and sending him on his way and Antonio's looking like he's really grateful because its been a very, very long day.

Now its just Pedro and me and the dark set. He comes over and flicks on the lamp and sits down, just staring into space and lighting his cigarette. I hope he realizes hot ashes are not good for my internal workings. My hero. The light from the lamp's given him a golden halo.....maybe I should change that to aura.......around his bushy mop of black hair.

I depress my space bar ever so gently, just so the sound will get his attention. It does. He looks down and I depress a few more keys slowly and precisely so he knows I'm trying to communicate with him. To Pedro's credit he doesn't flip out. No, not Pedro. He just gets this intense look on his face and lights another cigarette. I keep depressing my keys and he finally gets the idea to insert some paper for me to type on. That's my boy!

I type out TE ADORE PEDRO and he smiles. He's so adorably wicked when he smiles like that. Then I type out TE ADORE ANTONIO and he reaches out and types an answer to me. I can't tell you because of its personal nature what he typed in response to those words or some of the other things we 'talked' about well into the night, but I can tell you I told him of my wish for a happier ending for "La Ley del Deseo" and he told me my idea was vile, bourgeois camel dung.

He convinced me he was right. Pedro can be very convincing. If I had tear ducts I would have been crying by the time he was through, sobbing my guts out. But at least I didn't have to contend with the thick glutinous stuff that comes pouring out of your nose at such times of emotional distress and upheaval. It was hard to tell in the dim light, but I think Pedro's eyes were a little misty, too.

So there you have it. I couldn't go through with it. The movie remains unchanged. FINI

All that's left for me is to call up Banderas World, leave virtual reality and return home. They're supposed to shoot the scene tomorrow where Pablo throws me out the window. Banderas World? Now, how was it exactly that we get out of here? Banderas World can you hear me?