Mussolini's Women - Camarada Angelica Balabanoff

By Delorita and Alina

I've known Benito Mussolini now for almost ten years. I had been in the Communist party already when Sarrati brought Benito to us. I was the only woman in our group and one of the leaders and it was very hard for me to accept Benito with his extreme opinions. We shouted at each other almost every time we met. But somehow we became friends, still arguing with each other but I think we are friends now. I even taught him other languages.

And maybe I could be his wife by now but I bit him the first time when he tried to kiss me. We knew each other just for a few hours then. He had been too fast for me. I simply couldn't allow it.

Now he is married to a woman from his hometown.

I always loved to talk with Benito. He was a clever guy, although a little too wild. He just couldn't hold back his temper sometimes. But this is another fascinating thing about him: He is scary when he is angry, but at the same time incredibly attractive.

I couldn't seem to resist him. Many times I had tried to forget him, but every time I tried I failed. It was impossible for me to forget him anyway, because every time I almost succeeded he suddenly stood in front of me, good-looking as always, with his dark brown curly hair, his almost black sparkling eyes and his face which was almost too beautiful to be human. He was certainly one of the most beautiful men in the world, if not THE most beautiful. Lately he was wearing a moustache, which looked gorgeous on him, though it covered up his well-shaped mouth a little, which was a crime, I have to say.

And ever since I met Benito I was amazed by his speeches. Although I laughed very hard as I heard him the first time. He was like an actor on the stage, very theatrical. I made a fool of myself between all the men but I couldn't stop laughing.

Benito owned a rhetoric like no one else. And he was well aware of that. This fact is maybe the reason why he was a bit too self-confident. But what can I say, it was Benito and I admired him. It is hard to admit, but I admired him. I just hoped he would never find out.

Right now he was sitting next to me in the carriage. He invited me to visit him and some of his friends of the party in his hometown. The weather outside was nice, the sun was shining and the more it shone, the more Benito's eyes sparkled. Or were they sparkling when he looked at me? Probably. But I tried to ignore that.

I had never been able to love a man. And if I'd be able to love a man someday, it surely wouldn't be Benito, I thought. Then I sighed. My thoughts and the things my heart said were contradictory once again. How many times had that happened in my life already! Actually I was a mess. I think you are a mess when your head and your heart have nothing in common. And that's how I looked too: like a mess. Sometimes I thought I'd be nothing but an empty body. I hated the way I walked around. Well, there were some rules how a lady had to walk around, like you had to wear long skirts, almost always a hat or a veil, something like that, but I could have looked better if I only wanted to. Men weren't attracted by women like myself, with such bitterness in the face.

No, normal men not. But Benito had shown me many times he found me attractive. And so I felt strange when he was around. I was nervous, and being nervous irritated me, because I wasn't used to being nervous. And there was something else I felt when he was around: A glow, a little flame inside of me. My body wasn't empty. Not at all. Young Benito had filled it with something. Something they call…desire??

Before I had the chance to go on thinking about Benito, a man on a bike stopped beside the carriage, which also wasn't moving anymore. God, I must have been dreaming not to recognise it!

"What's the matter?" asked Benito now, and I could tell he was very worried.

"Benito, get out! Those guys are awaiting you behind the curve! Get out, fast! Run away!" the man on the bike said.

"Shit!" Benito cursed. Then he opened the door of the carriage, helped me out, although he was more pulling me out than helping me. But I didn't care. I was afraid. Benito had a lot of enemies, I knew that. And also I knew there were a few very mean and dangerous men who wanted nothing more than to see Benito dead.

After he paid the driver he took my hand and shouted at me: "Run! Come on now, hurry up! Run!" I grabbed my skirts and did as he told me. My heart was beating fast and I was almost too scared to run. But he forced me to go with him.

Suddenly we were in the middle of a maize field. I just hadn't realised. And then, suddenly, we fell. Or I fell. I not even knew exactly if we fell anyway or if he intended that, but we were lying on the ground now. I trembled and whimpered. What the hell mattered to me? I knew it. I was scared. Scared to death. I already saw the both of us dead and those bandits celebrating…

"Shhh, shut up!" Benito tried to calm me in his special way. I started to cry. I didn't think about it. I wasn't able to think anymore.

"Angelica, shut up!" Benito repeated. I couldn't. Not now. "Hey," he murmured and pulled me closer to his body. "Shut up now, okay?" I laid my face on his chest, hugged him, and all at once I felt safe. We were lying there on the ground and he was holding me in his strong arms, protecting me, caring for me. I heard his heart pounding. He was scared too. But of course he'd never admit that.

The voices of the bandits finally became quiet until it was absolutely silent. I only heard Benito's breath and my own.

And now I heard his husky voice talking to me: "Is everything all right?" I nodded and tried to speak, but only a whimper escaped my throat. He smiled a little: "They're gone now. It's all right."

I swallowed and tried to move away from him. Finally I realised what I was doing: I was lying on the ground in the middle of a field of maize in the arms of a man who wasn't my husband. And this wasn't what a lady was supposed to do.

"Let me out!" I whispered. I still didn't have my voice back. As he didn't react I turned my head and looked directly in his eyes. "Benito, let me out." Now he smiled even more and now I knew why: He smiled because of my tear-stained face. Although he'd already seen me like that he wasn't used to see me, the strong Angelica, cry. No wonder he found this situation amusing. I started to get angry. "Come on, Benito, let me out, I said!" Slowly I was getting my voice back and with her my dignity. I hated to be seen defeated! Benito was still smiling but loosened his arms. I got up and sat now next to him, who was still lying. I stared at the ground.

"Hey, Angelica, look at me," he said. I lifted my head a little. "I like you like that." His smile was been a broad grin now.

"You like me crying?" I couldn't believe it.

"No, I like you being helpless."

I blushed. He laughed about that and now I blushed even more. Faster than I'd ever thought a man could be he got up, sat down behind me and placed me between his legs. I wanted to yell but thought of the bandits who still could be around and so I tried to move away. But he wrapped his arms around me and I knew he wouldn't let me out now. I felt his face on my neck, his beautiful mouth kissing me there, his moustache tickling my skin. And then I felt something more: His aroused cock on my buttocks. His left hand was on my left breast now, caressing it, and his right hand was already under my skirts and in my underwear.

"Benito", I gasped. "Don't do this… please don't do this…" Two of his fingers were now slipping in and out of me. I started moaning. "Oh God, Benito…" He used his fingers well; for sure he'd done this many times before. It was an irresistible rhythm and it felt great.

Benito's breath came hard when he whispered: "Now tell me again! Tell me again to stop!" I couldn't. I wanted him to go on. There was a heat in my body that hadn't ever been there before. Shivers were wandering down my spine but at the same time I started to sweat. I was like in a trance, closing my eyes, letting me fall into Benito's arm, enjoying his caresses. I had never thought I could feel something like this. It was amazing. Behind me I felt him breathing, getting more and more aroused… Actually I wanted to touch him too now, but anyhow I knew he wouldn't let me. He was obsessed by taking control of everything. And it didn't matter whether this had to do with politics or with the possession of a woman. He always wanted to be the leader, the one with the most power.

"Benito," I sighed, "Benitooo…" When he stopped moving his fingers I almost started to cry with disappointment. But immediately he lay me down on my back, lifted my skirts and pushed my legs apart. When he wasn't succeeding with his first try to take off my common white drawers, he cursed and tried once more, this time rougher. And once again his temper was scaring and attractive at the same time. He undid his trousers and came over me. He entered me with such an energy that I cried out loud. He kissed me, tried to calm me down, but he didn't move slower -- no, he even pushed harder. The pain between my legs grew and I closed my eyes, angry and disappointed. Why couldn't he be more gentle? Why did he always only think of himself?

But before I could continue my thoughts, he started to open my jacket and blouse with one hand; impatiently he pulled at the buttons. But when he suddenly touched and eagerly licked my nude breasts and my nipples, the pain between my thighs stopped and the feeling I had with his fingers started again. I sighed lucky as the feeling was growing.

"Benito," I moaned. "Oh my God, Benito… Don't stop! Oh please, do everything to me but don't stop!"

I almost bit my tongue. Why did I tell him this? Did I get mad in the last few minutes? Benito laughed. I had expected it. I just couldn't tell if he was laughing AT me or ABOUT me. But anyhow it wasn't important anymore. Nothing was important anymore when I exploded. The flame down there between my legs became a fire, a huge fire. I was burning, exploding, feeling so much I couldn't describe, because no one has invented words for the feelings I had there in the maize field with Benito. When he got his orgasm I was already completely relaxed, feeling nothing but happiness, and now that he'd felt those wonderful things too, I felt nothing but satisfaction. I couldn't remember one minute in my life, in which I was as satisfied as in Benito's arms.

When we got up I gazed into his wild eyes and didn't blush at all when I said: "Now you know all my secrets, Benito." And Benito, as wonderful as he was, didn't respond, just smiled.

I know I will never get that moment back.

Later when he brought me back to the train station because it was too dangerous for me to stay in his hometown, we argued again, like usual. I had my own opinion about the politics of the party and he had his and we didn't want to be convinced of each other's opinion. When the train arrived and we have had just seconds left he suddenly got me silent by embracing me and kissing me hard and passionately. I got lost in his kiss and hugged him too until the conductor of the station said all passengers had to get ready to board the train.

In this moment I became aware what I was doing. In the middle of lots of people I kissed a well-known man of this town who was married to another woman. It didn't matter that he kissed me first. It simply wasn't appropriate! I got away from Benito, slapped him hard on his cheek and jumped on the train, still yelling at him. And he looked at me with a strange and almost sad expression on his sweet face and I was sorry already that I had hit him. But I was too proud to apologize.

I knew sooner or later I'd see him again and knew we would start a new game. We are not able to be together but we are also not able to be without each other. And sure he was not alone as I first thought.