Please Give Me Strength

By Susan J.

Chapter 1

I lie on the couch with the curtains drawn, the TV on, the phone ringing and emails piling up but I answer neither one of them. My answering machine has so many messages and mostly all from the same person and with each message this person leaves the more anger I hear in the person’s voice, but I don’t care. A few more days go by and I do nothing and I see and talk to no one. I’m in a funk that I can’t seem to shake no matter what I do. The pain that I’m feeling I really can’t explain and I really don’t understand.

One day as I walked out of the kitchen with a cup of coffee in my hand I heard the doorbell ring. I stared at the door with every intention of not answering it. As I walked towards the living room I heard the doorbell ring two more times and I just stared at it hoping whoever it was would go away. All of a sudden the ringing became a constant pounding on the door, I walked towards the door and as I reached for the doorknob I heard a familiar voice.

“Serena, open this damn door right now!!” I said nothing.

“Serena, if you don’t open this fucking door I will break it down!” I opened the door to see the person who was yelling at me.

“Shut the fuck up Miguel.” I turned to walk back into the living room and Miguel walked in right behind me and closed the door. I went and sat on the couch.

“Where the hell have you been?? I have been calling and sending emails to you.”

“I know.”

“You know? Then why the hell haven’t you answered me??”

“Because I haven’t felt like it, that’s why.”

Miguel stared at me as I took a sip of coffee. He took the cup from my hand and tasted it and then handed it back.

“If you wanted some coffee, there is still some in the coffee pot.”

“I was just checking.”

“Checking what?”

“To see if you were drinking something else.”

“You’re out of your mind. What are you doing here?”

“Didn’t you hear me? I have been calling and leaving you messages, I’ve been sending you emails and you never answered either one. Now what the hell is going on with you?”

“Nothing, I felt like cutting myself off from everything and everybody.”

Miguel sat by me on the couch. “Why would you do that?”

“If I had a good answer I’d tell you, but I don’t.”

He looked into my eyes and became concerned. “There is something very wrong, what is it?”

“There is nothing wrong, just drop it will you.”

“Bullshit!”

“Okay, you believe what you want, but right now I am in no mood to talk.” I got up from the couch and headed towards the stairs.

“Where the hell to do you think you're going?” he said.

“To a place where if I don’t feel like talking I don’t have to.” I walked halfway up the stairs and stop to look at him.

“By the way, you can search all you want for the clues to my mood, but no matter how good you are, you won’t find anything.”

I walked up the stairs as Miguel stared at me. Once I was in my room I closed the door behind me. Miguel went into the kitchen and got a cup of coffee. He returned to the living room and sat on the couch to think about the conversation that we had.

“Something is seriously wrong with her, but what?”

Once inside the room, I put my coffee cup on the nightstand and I sat on the bed. I have never felt this kind of dark feeling before and it totally confused me, because I didn’t understand what was happening to me and if that wasn’t enough I now have Miguel in my living room wondering what the hell is wrong with me. I wish for both of our sakes I could explain it to him but how can I when I can’t even explain it to myself.

It was about 5:00 pm when I emerged from my cocoon. I walked down the stairs and I saw something that I never expected to see. What I saw were lit candles all around the room, flowers everywhere and then I saw the dining room, there were candles there as well, the table was set with dishes, glasses and silverware and of course linen napkins. I found myself starting to smile for the first time in a long time at this beautiful sight. All of a sudden Miguel walked in, he was dressed casually, but no matter what this man wore he looked fantastic. Miguel walked over to me and kissed my cheek gently.

“Good evening, my lady,” he said.

“Good evening.”

“Would you like to have a drink before dinner?”

“I think that would be very nice, thank you.”

“If you would be so kind to wait in the living room, I will bring you your drink.” While I walked into the living room, Miguel got the drinks. He came over to me a few minutes later and handed me a glass of wine.

“Thank you,” I said.

“You are most welcome, shall we sit down?”

“Alright.”

We sat on the couch and he clinked my glass with his.

“To a beautiful evening,” he said. I smiled and we drank. I looked all around the room and still could not believe what I saw.

“Miguel this is unbelievable. You did a wonderful job, but why did you do all of this?”

“For you amor.”

“For me? Why?”

“Because in all of the years that I have known you, I have never seen you in this kind of funk, as you call it, that you are in. If you can talk about it, I would like to know what is wrong and maybe I can help.”

“Oh Miguel, if I knew exactly what it was that I am feeling I would tell you, but until I know what the hell is the matter with me, then you can’t help.”

“I will try to understand and be patient, but remember, I don’t like to see you feeling like this.”

“And you think I like feeling like this...” I shook my head.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you,” I said.

“It’s okay, but I just want you to know, that no matter what kind of character I have I still do want to help you in any way that I can.”

“I know and I appreciate it.”

“I think dinner is ready, shall we?” Miguel said.

“Okay.”

We went to the dining room and sat down. Miguel clapped his hands and out of the kitchen walked two servers who started serving us the food they had prepared. We ate and we had a pleasant conversation. When we were done we walked outside onto the patio, where there was a chilled bottle of wine and two glasses waiting for us. Miguel poured the wine and handed me one of the glasses. He held out his glass towards me and we clinked glasses and drank.

“Are you trying to get me drunk Miguelito?” I asked.

He smiled. “Would I do that to you?” he winked.

“I wouldn’t put anything past you Miguel.”

He chuckled. We drank the wine and looked up at the full moon. Miguel put his arm around my shoulder.

“It’s beautiful isn’t it?” he asked.

“Yes it is, but then so are you.” He looked at me.

“Didn’t I tell you once before, that men are not beautiful.”

“Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder.”

He touched my cheek gently, and then he kissed me tenderly. I didn’t want to, but I pulled away. He looked at me.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“I don’t know?”

I turned and started walking away from him. He walked up behind me.

“Damn it Serena, you need to tell me what is eating you up inside. Please.”

“Once I sort everything out I will tell you, okay?”

“Promise me Serena.”

“I promise.”